Alpha. I don’t know how to end this.

Another quote sounds like a 1/3 idea. Like you AI’ed me this morning, dad, If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.

How about one more quiz question?

This cryptoworm was the biggest ransomware attack in history. It spread within days to more than 250,000 systems in 150 countries, including Russia, Ukraine, India, and Taiwan. Nissan Motors, FedEx, China National Petroleum, Renault SA, Deutsche Bahn, Hitachi, Sberbank of Russia, Yancheng police department in China, and the Russian Interior Ministry were all victims.

I pause my video recording. I think of hitting delete, but I stop myself from that extreme.

I look at your diary one last time.  I try to picture your younger self. I fail. My head is filled with more recent memories of you.

Three years ago, a cholecystectomy.

Six months later, mild cognitive impairment (MCI).

That Thanksgiving, with all of us visiting AZ for the first time. You didn’t cook. You couldn’t cook and you loved to cook.

That Monday, after we all left, Mom lost you at the mall.

Six months later, you crashed your car during a rare rainstorm in the desert. It turned out it wasn’t the rain. You passed out before you hit the highway divide.

You survived the crash. At least you did until –

-- I close my eyes to hold the tears. It works. I hit the red button.

Dad, I learned something recently that you would like. It is the Japanese learning principle of Kaizen, or the idea of continuous self-improvement. Essential to Kaizen’s success is a long-term commitment to consistent, incremental improvements that accumulate over a lifetime to create the highest quality of good.

I think of stopping the recording again like I’ve done all morning. But I stop myself from stopping myself.

I’m recording this time of my life just like you recorded your same time so many years ago. I was hoping you would be able to see it … to hear it … to know that I have changed directions. That I finally changed directions. 

The thing is I don’t know if I can make it in this new world, dad. I’ve talked to alumni of this program three, six months ahead. So many of them are back doing what they were doing before taking this class. Back to being real estate agents, sales … bartenders.

There seems to be no such thing as entry-level Cybersecurity jobs. Every zero day opportunity I’ve come across requires multiple years of experience. How that makes sense is one of the biggest unknown unknowns. 

I pause. I touch my laptop. I grab a pen. I poke myself in my forearm. Lightly, I think.

Is this real, dad? Is any of this real? I don’t know. Sometimes, I don’t know.

Oh, I forgot to mention, dad. There was this guy, Marcus Hutchins. A kid really. He stopped that high stakes attack I mentioned earlier. He found a kill switch hidden in the code. All he needed to do was register a web domain and he stopped all the bad. He stopped all the – 

-- I wanted to do that for you, dad. I wanted to find the kill switch and end all your suffering. But I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I …

… I want to do this for you, dad. I want to be a better person. I want to take a road less traveled. I wanted to pursue a dream like you did when you were my age. I want this for you, dad. I want to …

I want to cry, dad. I wannacry. I do. And I do. And I do.

And that’s how I know this is real. I think. I laugh. And I cry. I do all of those three things. Just like you’ve always taught me. That’s how I know I am alive. That’s how I know my love for you will endure. That’s how I know I will endure.

Omega.